What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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