The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
