I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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