i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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