I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
