im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
