You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
