it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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