I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
