I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
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I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
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He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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