im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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