The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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