I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
