You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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