fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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