Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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