for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
