So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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