i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
