i think my tv is drunk
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
