So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
