So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
