i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
