My Higher Power is John Stamos
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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