to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
