you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
