what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
