I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
