Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
