We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
