"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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