i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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