I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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