I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
