Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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