Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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