Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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