i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
