I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
