I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
