I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
