i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
