U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
This baby is an asshole
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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