so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
