textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
