I love black thongs
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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