a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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