i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
