So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
