i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
