Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
