In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Randomize
