You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
my being single is dangerous.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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