You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
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