i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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