His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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