Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
So many bounce houses so little time
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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