i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
