I met the friendliest cop last night
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
