She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
