i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
