from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
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No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
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So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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