His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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